Crossing: A place where two roads cross. the act or action of crossing, such as traveling across in an opposing, unfair or dishonest manner.
Over: Extending upward from, at a higher level or layer than.
Boundaries: Lines that mark the limits of an area or a dividing line. Limits of a subject or activity.
This website was created as an aid to assist all of us to grow and become the individuals we know we can be. The best versions of ourselves. When selecting the title, I thought about boundaries, and I thought about how many of us have had to deal with our boundaries being crossed. We also may have crossed other people’s boundaries without even realizing it. Learning about boundaries and setting healthy ones is vital to how we take care of ourselves and how we can be of help to others.
Having boundaries means that we are honoring ourselves just as we would for any other individual, with our own needs, wants and desires that are our own. Everyone has boundaries but often, because of abuses we have suffered in our life we have put up walls to protect us and our boundary lines are now muddied and hard to see. We need to discover our own healthy boundaries and not feel bad because we will not allow others to override our own feelings and desires and do things we do not want to do.
How do we figure out what our boundaries are?
I tend to go with my gut. If something does not feel right and I feel myself pushing against it, then I take a closer look. I also must figure out if the walls I have up due to the experiences I have suffered in life might be causing me the discomfort I feel, which at times keeps me from doing things that would be good for me. So, when I feel something that does not feel good in my gut, I give myself time to analyze it. If someone is expecting a response right away and I do not know what response I want to give them, I let them know I need time. That is a BOUNDARY. Allow yourself to tell someone to give you time.
Example of setting a boundary
When we set healthy boundaries, we are protecting our time, energy and needs as well as the time of the other person. Example: We are asked to go to a concert on Saturday, but we really do not want to. We worked hard all week and we were really looking forward to just staying home, eating, reading, and watching television. But we feel “bad” because if we say no, then the person might be disappointed in us.
Answer: Just say no. They will still love and appreciate you.
Boundaries require clear communication
- What do you want?
- What do you need?
- What you will and will not accept?
- How you would like to be treated?
When others cross over our boundaries
We all have had this experience. It feels uncomfortable. We do not want to do it and yet we allow others to convince us to do something we do not want to do. Why do we allow this? We should never have to do something we do not want to do. We need to feel confident enough in ourselves to allow ourselves to just say no. It is not hard to do and yet many of us struggle with this very much.
Set up clear communication and stick with your decision
Sometimes we have someone who will not take no for an answer and so they keep trying to get us to change our mind. We need to be clear in our communication when letting them know that we do not want to do it and we will not be changing our mind. They need to respect our decision. Period.
Be clear in why you gave the answer you gave
Sometimes people in our lives are asking in the hopes of helping us and are not trying to hurt us. For me, if I do not want to do something because I do not feel like it, I let them know why I made my decision. People understand because they feel this way at times too. If we do not want to do it, let them know that. If you think you might want to do it in the future, let them know that as well. Be clear so they understand. Just saying no is not always enough and we should give the person a more complete answer as to why we don’t want to go, do it, or whatever it happens to be.
We have family, friends and even coworkers that may be unhealthy for us. The best advice I can give is to limit your time with them whenever possible. None of us need to be around unhealthy people and although it might be a close family member or friend, learning to set up boundaries that will help us and protect us is what is most important. Learn to detach and be okay with keeping unhealthy people at a distance. Quite possibly by setting a boundary like this, the other individual will begin to think about their actions, and they might be able to grow from it as well. If no one ever pushes back on them, then how are they to learn?
Being the best version of ourselves
Ten years ago, I thought I had come a long way and knew quite a bit about myself but now in 2022 I can see how much I have grown over the last 10 years. There is so much to learn in life and what I focus on and have focused on is my own self growth. If I can grow and take better care of myself, I am able to take better care of those I love. Always keep an open mind and realize that although you may know a lot, there is always more to learn. I can’t wait to see how much I will grow when I look back at my life in 10 years.