Roe vs. Wade – A “Miscarriage” of Justice

We all need to speak up – more now than ever. I am sharing my individual experiences and views on abortion because I have a voice. I also have some questions and thoughts about this very controversial subject. The thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while, so I need to let them out. The ruling of Roe vs. Wade is no more. The “Supreme” Court has changed a decision that they themselves made almost 50 years ago. The fundamental rights that women have over their own bodies.

Miscarriage Defined:

  1. The ejection of a fetus from the womb before it can survive on its own.
  2. An unsuccessful outcome of something planned.

When we eat an egg are we eating a chicken? …Just a random thought.

My Miscarriage – 1987

I was married at the time, and pregnant with our second child. I was in the first trimester when I began to bleed. I went to my doctor; she confirmed my pregnancy and told me I was bleeding a lot. I remember feeling so sad and scared, and asked her if I was losing the pregnancy. I remember her telling me, “You have a 50-50 chance of keeping it. Just go home and lay down.”

As soon as I got home, I went in the bathroom and sat on the toilet. When I got up, I remember seeing so much blood in the toilet and I noticed something that resembled a small red sack. I just stared at it and knew I lost the embryo. I remember feeling sadness and heartache. It felt like a real loss to me. My husband didn’t seem to be bothered much about the loss and went over to his friend’s house for the day. My mom was with me as I moped around the apartment and had to take in the fact that I miscarried.

What happened to me is called a spontaneous abortion. The reason we use the word miscarriage is because it sounds nicer than using the word abortion. What my doctor told me is that a spontaneous abortion occurs when the body rejects the embryo because something might be wrong with it.

I got pregnant with my son 3 months later.

My Decision to Keep or Abort – 1997

I had been divorced for 5 years and had not dated anyone. I was a single working mom with two children. On this one night (ironically it was the same night I joined “parents without partners” because my mom had encouraged me to do so), I went to a club to have a drink. I saw a friend I had known for over a year and we began to talk. The talking turned into something else that neither of us planned. Because neither of us planned it, we did not use protection and I got pregnant. Yep. The first time in 5 years that I had sex, I got pregnant. It does happen.

I knew immediately on day 24 that I was pregnant because I was on a 22-day cycle. I had a pregnancy test done and it came back positive. At first, I was happy because I love my two children and would have loved to have another child. But then reality sunk in. I worked hard but I never made much of a salary. I only made $13 an hour as an administrative assistant. It wasn’t because I was lazy as many people tend to think “low-income people” could “do better”. I am just one of those people that never climbed high on the ladder to get better pay. I usually stayed with a job because I had responsibilities to pay rent each month and take care of the kids and myself. There was no time to switch jobs for more money, and honestly, I was too scared to. For me, I was doing the best that I could, and believe me – I was no stranger to work. I have worked since the age of 15. I paid for all of my own expenses as a teenager such as yearbooks, dance dresses, clothes, summer camps, outings, etc.

So, now here I was a single parent of two, and pregnant. I knew I needed to decide on what I was going to do, and I needed to be quick. I never liked the idea that some individuals put off their decision to abort until the second trimester. The thought of that sickened me. I am not talking about medical reasons, I am talking about the ones that wait and wait and wait for no other reason other than they just cannot decide. That was not going to be me.

I was sitting on the fence. I would love to have a third child, but could I afford to have another child on my own? It was already tough for me with two. I was not in love with the father and therefore we would not be together. I would have to raise this child on my own.

My thoughts went back and forth, from one side to the other. I knew that:

  1. I will have to go before God one day with my actions.
  2. I am judge and jury if this child lives or dies.

I also knew that:

  1. I am a single parent with two children, barely making it.
  2. Would we be able to survive with another child to support?
  3. Day care would be at minimum $100 a week.
  4. There was the expense of diapers, formula, a crib. car seat, clothes, medical, and the list goes on.
  5. What would people think of me? The single mom who got pregnant and didn’t even have a boyfriend?
  6. What would my family think of me being so irresponsible?

Back and forth I went. I finally called my doctor and asked him to put in a referral for me to go to a specialist for an abortion. I figured that would be the best choice. I didn’t want to do it, but I was trying to be practical.

In the end, I decided to keep the pregnancy and called the doctor and asked him to cancel the referral.

Her name is Michaela, and she is now 24 years old.

Looking Back:

Even though I made the decision to keep the pregnancy, it was an awfully hard road for all of us. We had a lot of bumps, and I did crumble and fall from the pressure. The rent went up, my ex-husband stopped paying child support and I had to take a second job, working 7 days a week for 3 ½ years. I never had a day off and whittled myself down to exhaustion. I lost my jobs, our home, and even my children for a while. It was bad. Thankfully by the grace of God I got back up and worked hard to gain everything back. It took a few years, no easy task when you lose everything.

What I learned through the process is that life can be extremely hard. I also learned that people should not judge others because they have no idea what a person may be dealing with or going through.

When I look back, my decision could have gone either way. It was my decision to make and mine alone. I do believe in God and my belief was and still is that I will have to go before God one day with ALL my actions in life. Not just that decision but ALL my decisions. Things I have said and things that I have done throughout my entire life. But my God is a loving God, and he knows my heart and my struggles. His relationship with me has nothing to do with anyone else. Not the Supreme Court, not the State Government, and not anyone on this planet. My decisions are mine and no one should have the right to take them away from me.

A Few Questions I Have:

  • What about a fetus that has died inside the mother before the due date? What if her body does not expel the dead fetus?
  • What about frozen embryos? If they are considered “life”, is it okay if they remain frozen? Can they be thrown away if not used?
  • How about the 12-year-old girl who is being sexually molested and repeatedly raped by a parent or relative and ends up pregnant? Hasn’t she already experienced enough trauma? Is she going to be made to carry a fetus that is a product of rape and incest to full term? Does this 12-year-old child now have to make the decision to keep this baby or give it away to someone else? Does that seem fair to anyone? What consideration is being made for a child that is a product of incest? The potential problems they may have from being inbreed and the assortment of genetic disorders that would continue through future generations?
  • What if at 20 weeks it is determined that a fetus will be born severely handicapped? What is the right choice for the parent and the fetus? To bring a child into this world anyway? If they survive, they may have serious medical issues with serious financial repercussions. How will the parents be supported that may not be able to take care of the child medically or financially?
  • What if a pregnancy is an ectopic? If the fertilized egg is left to grow outside the uterus and it’s not aborted – it could damage the woman’s organs and be life threatening.
  • What if someone doesn’t believe that aborting an embryo is taking a life? Do they have to believe in what others determine is when life begins? What if a person doesn’t believe in God? Should people who do believe in God determine their rights?

Thoughts on The Supreme Court:

  • The Supreme Court has 9 justices and 6 of them are men and only 3 are women. 6 men that have never been pregnant or have ever had to make a decision about a pregnancy in their own body.

Nine (9) Justices:

< 3 appointed by Donald Trump

< 2 appointed by George W Bush

< 1 appointed by George H.W. Bush

< 2 appointed by Barack Obama

< 1 appointed by Bill Clinton

6 of the 9 justices were appointed by Republican Presidents and 3 were appointed by Democratic Presidents. Does that seem like a balanced representation of the people in this country?

  • The Supreme Court justices are supposed to be unbiased and yet they appear to be loyal to the political party that was responsible for their appointment. Impartial but yet they seem to stick with their party when they make decisions. It feels a lot like how the House and Senate votes along Democratic or Republican party lines with very few crossing over. Why? Are Senators not representatives for their entire state? Shouldn’t all members of the Senate be taking care of all constituents they are representing? Democrat, Republican, and Independent views? Is it not possible that they can come together and compromise with what works for the masses and not just their own party? The Supreme justices should be unbiased since they are the “Supreme” Court, right?
  • The 3 justices that are women are well beyond childbearing age. Can they honestly give a fair and impartial decision on something that does not affect them personally anymore?

As I stated before, I believe in God, but I understand that not everyone does. I am okay with that. It’s not my purpose to judge others. My faith helps me navigate MY life. My God is a loving God who understands each of us intimately. I believe that he knows each of our struggles here on earth. When our time comes, one by one he will go over our life with us. I believe he will wipe us clean and make us whole again. I have a feeling he will take us all with him.

Thoughts of Biblical Reference:

  • Matthew 7:1-3 tells us to judge not, lest ye be judged. It also mentions about seeing a speck in someone’s eye and not noticing the plank in our own. So, would that mean that we mind our own business and leave others to themselves? That we need to keep our side of the street clean and if we do believe there is a God, he will manage each person as that is NOT our job but his? For many, we know we are not to judge, but we still do. What does the word judge mean to you personally?

Definition of Judge:

noun – a public official appointed to decide cases in a court of law.

verb – to form, give, or have as an opinion about (something or someone).

  • John 8:7 states that those that are without sin, cast the first stone. None of us are without sin, so why are we jumping in on how others should look at things and live life the way we think they should? What if our way of thinking is wrong? Should we be telling people how to think when we continue to learn every day and change our thoughts often when gaining insight from others? At least that is what I’ve learned about people who grow and evolve.

What I Have Learned:

By going through the experience of an unexpected pregnancy, I am empathetic to those that have found themselves in the same position that I was in. They may be wrestling within their own being as to what is the right thing to do. For anyone who thinks it is an easy decision to have an abortion it is not. This is a time when a woman is in her most vulnerable state. I believe that she alone must make a decision that will not just affect her life but the lives of her family.

I already know what I know, tell me something I don’t know. This is what we should remind ourselves. To listen to others and learn. We’re on our own path of life and many of us have taken side routes and gotten lost but somehow, we manage to get on the main road again if we’re lucky. We should all try to be more understanding and empathetic. We should all remind ourselves not to judge others. We certainly don’t like it when someone wants to judge us, right?

Do You Like to Gamble? Why?

I am in Vegas this week to visit my son, granddaughter and loved ones. I usually make it to Vegas once a year for a vacation to visit family. I’m not sure where my thoughts are going on this post since it’s a topic that I’m just simply curious about. But I often wonder why we are the way we are and do the things we do. Not that I have the answers because I don’t, but I like to dive deeper into things.

A lot of people like to gamble. Whether it’s lottery tickets, bingo, slot machines, card games, or even raffle tickets. That poses these questions:

  • Does it have to do with our upbringing and games we used to play?
  • Did our parents gamble and did we learn from them?
  • Do we just think it’s exciting and fun?
  • If we win once, does that thrill cause us to continue to play?
  • Do we play because we honestly believe we will win big someday?
  • Is it an addictive behavior?

Gambling Memories of my Mother

My mother loved to gamble. My mother, grandmother and great aunt used to take me to play bingo. The first time I ever went with them I was in my twenties, and I won two games. Actually three games, but I didn’t call the last game in time because I didn’t realize I had a winning card. I was just learning so I was slow. I also won $75 on what they called a “pull tab”, which is another type of game found at most bingo halls. You can buy these while you’re playing bingo and they run anywhere from $0.25 to $1 per ticket. That first time “gambling” made an impression on me, especially because I won. I remember feeling the thrill of winning and taking home that cash. The feeling gave me the desire to play again – it was exciting!

When I was a young adult, my mother would plan weekend getaways at least once a year with my grandma and grandpa to go to Vegas, Laughlin, or Stateline. We would share the cost of a hotel room and a rental car, so it made it easier for all of us to go since we were not a wealthy family. My Mom and I worked hard, we paid our bills, and we liked to get away and have fun too.

Mom and I would walk around the casino and play slots, sitting side by side for hours. Back then we used real coins. I remember walking up to the hotel room with her laughing as we looked at our dirty hands from touching all the money. Those are memories of my mom and I that I cherish. It wasn’t just the gambling, but having that special time with each other. Plus, we love the buffets!

Mom and I only took the money we could gamble with and that was all we would use. We didn’t go overboard.

Gambling Memories of my Father

With my father it was very different. I never went to the casinos with him as an adult. But when I was a teenager, I remember he and my stepmother would go for the weekend to Vegas. My father was on disability and sometimes he’d get money from a lawsuit. He sued companies he worked for and ended up with a chunk of cash every so often. When he got money from a lawsuit he would go to Vegas and stay in nice hotels and play at the card table. Sometimes we would go as a family, and we would stay at Circus Circus. My younger brother, stepsister and I would play the kid games upstairs while they gambled downstairs.

When I think about my father and his desire to gamble, it doesn’t bring great memories. He never seemed to have any money, and when he had money from a lawsuit, I think he should have used it in better ways. I remember how he struggled financially. He would borrow from his mother, me, or whoever would lend him money. He’d take items to the pawnshop to pay rent. That type of stuff. I realize some of us may have to do things like this because times are tough so no judgment here. But where it concerned my father, I saw how he struggled and how fast his money went when he did get money. It just didn’t make sense to me that he would be so wasteful and use it to gamble.

My Gambling

So now I’ll talk about my gambling. Aside from my bingo win as an adult, I have memories of experiencing the thrill of so-called “gambling” when I was 10 years old. I went to the ice cream truck and bought a Charms Sweet & Sour sucker for 5 cents. When I peeled off the wrapper it had a cold sticker stuck on it and the ice cream man told me that I get a “free” sucker. I had one of the special ones that had the gold sticker on it (yes, just like Willie Wonka). I got so excited that I got two suckers for the price of one that I used the rest of my allowance to buy more suckers. I did not get another gold special one, but I did end up with a bunch of suckers.

Present day. I love to gamble and go once or twice a year. I don’t go to bingo anymore since mom’s passing. It just didn’t feel the same when I tried to go to bingo by myself. I would think about her and how she wasn’t with me anymore and it brought sadness. So, I just don’t go and haven’t gone in years…

I like to play the slots and I have fun roaming the casino, watching people, and just being free of all responsibilities like work, family, and home. If I put $20 in the slot and it gets eaten up, that kind of sucks. But oftentimes I could take a $20 bill and make it last for hours. That is when it’s fun. I don’t have to win but I want my money to last when I play.

For me, playing slots doesn’t have to be in a casino. I’ve played slot games on my cell phone where there’s no money to be lost and I rake in the pretend coins. So, is it really about winning money? Or do some of us just like to play slot machines whether real or fake?

Reflection

I wasn’t sure where my thoughts were going to lead me in this post but my original question was: Why we are the way we are and do the things we do? This question evolved into: Why do some people like to gamble, and some don’t?

Is it upbringing? Or is it just our personality type? I have two kids that like to gamble when they get a chance and one that has never gambled and doesn’t care to. The one that doesn’t have the desire told me that she would rather buy a pair of shoes or go to a concert than waste her money in a slot machine.

For some people, the desire to win is so consuming that they may not be able to stop themselves. They will use all their money just in hopes that that next pull or roll of the dice is going to be the win for them. They use money that would go to rent, utilities, and necessities to live. Just for another shot at winning it big. This is when it is a problem. This is when it could turn into addiction.

Like in Hunger Games, “may the odds ever be in your favor,” they are probably not going to be. The chances of winning are not in your favor and more in the house’s favor. For a big slot win the chances are more like 1 in 5,000.

With my upbringing and exposure to gambling, I think it gave me a very realistic and responsible view because I saw both the good and the bad. It is such a stark contrast between the fond memories I had with my mother and the irresponsible behavior I witnessed of my father. This week I am going to enjoy my vacation and visit my son, granddaughter and loved ones. I’m going to eat tasty food and maybe see a show. And yes, I will do a little gambling. My reason is because I like to gamble, it’s quite simply – fun.

Links for help for those that may need it are below:

Gamblers Anonymous

Mentalhealth.org

Popcorn Brain: A Nickname and its Meaning

Popcorn: a hard corn variety that swells up when put under heat and burst open creating a different version of its original self. The slang term for popcorn is being busy, active, or occupied.

Brain: A major organ contained in the skull which coordinates the sensations felt all over the body. Keeper of our intellectual, physical, and emotional memories.

I love to look up the definitions of words and I think we can learn and grow more by doing this. Words have deeper meanings and words can also trigger us in both good and bad ways. One of the things that triggered me was the nicknames that my father gave to me when I was young. He gave me two, but for this post, I will focus on one of them.

I had to be 6 or 7 when I was at the kitchen table with my mother, father and two brothers. I said something. I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember what my father said. He looked at me and said, “Uhhh… popcorn brain.” I heard some laughs from the family but what I remember feeling most was embarrassed. After the laughter, my older brother came up with a song and sang it,

“Popcorn brain…popcorn brain, Debbie has a popcorn brain.”

Again, laughter followed.

I don’t know why my father gave me that nickname or why he said it, but I know that I didn’t like it. I imagine that whatever I said must have been a random thought, and had nothing to do with the conversation at the table. That’s all I can think of as to a reason for my father to come up with that nickname.

I wasn’t outgoing when I was young, and as I think back to my childhood, I’d say I was introverted. I’m not sure what causes us to be extroverted or introverted. I’m not even sure if things like giving a child a nickname can create an introverted child, but I would think so. I think abusing a child in any way can have lasting effects. I also remember that after he called me that, I didn’t want to talk anymore. I felt stupid, and was afraid I would say something stupid again.

So here are some questions…Is a nickname good or bad? What do they mean and can they cause a trigger? Is it abuse, and can it cause a lifetime of insecurities?

After the night I heard the nickname for the first time, it stuck. It was something my father used often. My older brother occasionally would say it and I got terribly upset. I couldn’t tell my father not to call me that because he was the parent. I would tell my brother not to call me that, which of course when you’re a kid, makes matters worse. It just opens the gate to being teased on things we don’t want to be teased about.

Obviously none of my friends knew my nickname. It was bad enough to have to deal with it at home., It wasn’t a nickname I ever wanted, and I remember hating it. I know other people had nicknames, but they weren’t the kind of nickname I had. Nicknames like princess, slugger, angel face, doll. My nickname was degrading, insulting, and humiliating.

When I got older, I was bothered by how the memories of that nickname triggered me and how it was connected to me and my spirit. I did a deep self-analysis as to why. Just because my father nicknamed me that, it wasn’t true. It didn’t make sense to me, and I didn’t personally connect with it. Honestly, I saw it as emotionally abusive. It bothered me that I internalized it, and carried it around my entire life. It was often an emotional trigger and when the thought or memory popped up, I felt the sadness inside.

A decade ago, I decided to reinvent that nickname. I analyzed the word popcorn and I envisioned popcorn flying in all directions. It was like a burst of thoughts, and to me that wasn’t such a terrible thing. I am like that as I have a very curious mind. I want to know how things work and what they mean. When I was in my addiction back in 2002-2003, I became obsessed with defining words. I would look them up in the dictionary and rewrite them in a notepad or on index cards. When I did that, I discovered that words have different meanings. The same word can mean different things, and I gained insight into what they meant to me. I felt like I was redefining my own personal dictionary of words that I had in my head. I got a clearer understanding by looking deeper into them and what they represent.

When I thought about popcorn and how it could be defined as “innovative ideas popping out of someone’s mind,” I liked it. Thoughts that come flying, often a load of them all at once within seconds of each other, it’s just like popcorn popping. I like to think of myself that way, and so popcorn brain for me has a new meaning. I can connect with this new meaning as part of who I am. I’m a person who has a lot of ideas and who loves to dig below the surface to get a better understanding.

I think that’s how we need to look at things sometimes. If there is something that is sticking with you and you don’t like it, investigate the definition of the word or words and find a definition that works for you.

  • We don’t have to be what others think or say we are.
  • We need to remember that no one knows us better than ourselves.
  • We need to not let others define or judge us.
  • We need to figure out how we want to define ourselves.

Let others worry about their own lives, and we’ll take care of ours.

The other nickname that my father gave me was “Dumbie.” I’ve worked through this nickname as well, but that’s a story for another time.