Loss and Forgiveness – A Two-Part Story

Surviving Loss

July 13th was the twenty-year anniversary of my mom’s death. Because of our tumultuous relationship, it was a very difficult loss for me. Twenty years later I still reflect on the memories before and after she died. The second part of this story will be about forgiveness. I had to find a way to forgive her because of the way she treated me while she was here. I had to also forgive myself on the way I treated her. But let’s first look at the story of loss.

Witnessing A Loss

I remember the day mom died so vividly. It was in the last moments before she passed. She began to move her shoulders up and down as she changed from lying down to an upright sitting position in her bed. It was like what you would imagine seeing if someone had wings and was about to fly.

I put my hands on her shoulders as I shouted for my brothers to help me. I remember locking eyes with mom as she stared back at me. She began gurgling up black bile as she gasped for air. Both our eyes were locked as I watched my mom die. Within a minute, she was gone. With my hands still placed on her shoulders, I gently set her down with her head resting on her pillow. I moved my hand over her eyes and closed her eyelids. I leaned forward and kissed her all over her face as I joyously shouted, “You did it! I am so proud of you.”  These last moments are forever engraved in my memories.

It may appear strange for someone to use a word like joyous when describing a feeling moments after a loved one has died. But I had watched her fight for a life that was an outright battle for 18 months. When the doctors discovered mom’s cancer on January 26, 2001, the cancer had metastasized and had already spread to the vascular wall. The doctors let us know at once that it was terminal and there was nothing they could do but to try to extend her life. They were clear that she had options. She could either take pain pills and enjoy what life she had left or do chemo and try to extend it. One of her doctors told her that if it were his life, he would just take pain pills. That was a horrible day.

In the final weeks mom was in so much pain and although she tried, she could barely keep on going. Just a few days before she passed, I watched my uncle give her a spoonful of Jell-O between pills that she needed to swallow. I remember seeing a mound of pills before her. 15-20 pills sitting on that little table as she tried to choke them down. Shortly after, mom got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and I remember seeing her slowly walk as she held her urine bag in her hand. The urine bag was filled with blood. At that moment, I felt a deep down feeling of anguish hit me. I didn’t want her to go through what she was going through. I wanted her pain to end. I didn’t want her to try to fight for another day. She was no longer living and all she had to look forward to was experiencing more pain. It was extremely hard to sit by and watch this happen. I felt so helpless.

Moments after she passed I felt joyous because I was proud of her for finally letting go.

When I left her apartment, I got into my car and drove around aimlessly for several hours. I just drove. I remember feeling numb and alone in the world. I felt disconnected from reality, and everything around me was just a fuzzy dream. Other people were going about their lives like they didn’t have a problem or care in the world. I was stuck in a bad dream, and it was hard for me to move forward and yet I felt that was what I was supposed to do. Act normal and be okay when it wasn’t okay.

Losing Everything and Finding Myself

I will keep this part short because I went through a lot after mom died. It is detailed in my book, so I won’t rewrite it here. But after mom died, I was all over the place. The doctor said I had an emotional breakdown. I had begun using alcohol and crystal meth to cope during the last year of my mom’s life, and after she died I hit it harder. It seemed like it was the only thing that could make me feel better even though it took me to a very dark place. When thinking about that time, it felt like I was living in the underworld. I not only lost everything that meant anything to me, but it broke me down to a point where I just wanted to be erased from life. I didn’t have the will to live and didn’t have the strength to try. Thankfully, I did get out of this place as by proof of writing this blog and being a functioning human being again.

In the years that I lived in the underworld, I was stripped of everything so that I could be rebuilt. I didn’t know it at the time but that’s what happened. I would not recommend anyone rebuilding his or her life this way. Get counseling or find another way. There are better roads. The way I did it is one of the hardest roads to take, I doubt if many survive.

One thing I realize is if mom were alive, I doubt I would have reached rock bottom on the road I went down. She would have not allowed it. She was the one person that cared enough about me to recognize that I needed help. I honestly believe that. I sometimes wonder if God took her because he had work to do with me. God knew that if my mom were around, I wouldn’t be able to fully fail and then grow (I will expand more on that theory in next week’s post).

Coping

The loss of someone that we love has got to be one of the hardest things that we will ever go through in life. Death is so final. I thought about how I would never see or hear my loved one’s voice again. They are gone forever.

There is this strange conflicting sensation I get when thinking about mom. It is two-fold.

1. The Memories

With all the memories I have of mom, her essence is still with me. All the moments we had together are like individual video clips in my mind where I can pull out a moment and play it whenever I want. I can choose a memory and there she is. I can see her and hear her voice. I can feel the love and it feels like she is not far away.

2. The Hole

Although I have all those memories that I can tap into whenever I think about her, I also feel a hole, an emptiness. It’s an absence like a vacant seat in a classroom full of kids or the missing piece of a puzzle. It is obvious that something is missing, it is noticed and it is felt.

Is this feeling in my heart or in my mind? We always talk about our heart when reflecting on our love for one another. We put our hand on our heart and we even draw pictures of hearts to illustrate feelings of love. We may think our love is in our heart, but our memories are being housed in our mind. But I wonder if loss is felt in neither the heart nor the mind, but in our soul. Maybe that is why it is felt so deep. That is why there isn’t anyone that can remedy this feeling except the one we lost. The shape of the hole is uniquely designed for our loved one.

I believe that once we get back to where we came from, we will see our loved ones again. They will fill that empty space in our soul that remains for only them to fill.


Types of Loss

I shared the detailed account of the loss of my mother because I know we all share similar pain when we lose ones we love. Whether it is a family member, friend, or even a beloved pet, relationships are complex, intense and very personal, and the loss can be devastating.

Losing a Friend

Losing a close friend obviously hurts just like any other loss. But it can feel different. For me, I can only go off what I have experienced. I am fortunate to have only lost one friend that I was close to thus far. I knew my friend Jimmy since the 6th grade. I remember being in a state of shock when I saw through Facebook that he had died. I quickly called his number and his partner answered and he confirmed what I hoped was not true.

After getting over the shock of his unexpected death, I thought about his partner, his brother and all that loved him. My friend went so suddenly he didn’t even get to say goodbye to anyone or tell them what he may have wanted them to know. Those thoughts led me to other thoughts about my own life and mortality.

  • He is my age – it could happen to me too.
  • How long do I have left?
  • What if I have unfinished business?
  • How are my relationships right now?
  • Am I right with the people in my life to suddenly leave them?

As each of us goes about our day-to-day life we are kept busy with work, family, and activities. It sometimes isn’t until someone close to us passes that we stop and reflect on how fragile life is. We take stock of our life and what’s important to us. I wish we could try to remember to do this more often, not just when tragedy strikes and wakes us up.

Losing a Pet

Losing a pet that has been family for many years is a unique kind of pain. Pets are not only family, they are a companion and a friend. Most people can relate to the memory of a family pet and how it felt when they had to let them go. My daughter Courtney’s dog she named Danger was far from being dangerous, and he was the sweetest Labrador you could ever meet. Courtney got him as a tiny little puppy and had him for almost 11 years. We were thankful that we had that much time with him and experienced such unconditional love. I remember the last few months of his life; Courtney was running him to the pet hospital and spending money on x-rays, labs, and medications, all in the hopes that the doctors could save him. In the end, there was nothing they could do. Danger had a very large tumor in his nasal passage that went all the way to his brain.

The decision was made to allow Danger to go peacefully with the doctor’s help as he was in a lot of pain and was bleeding from his nose. We were all there, surrounding Danger as my daughter held him tenderly. Besides the loss of mom, this was an extremely hard loss to witness. As I reflect on Danger and the love I had for him, all I can say is what I’ve always said about him. Best Dog Ever.

Which is Worse?

Whether we know death is coming or it happens unexpectedly we must deal with pain in the aftermath regardless. When my mom was fighting for her life for 18 months, I remember going into work and a coworker lost her mom unexpectedly. My mom was dying slowly; her mom’s life was ripped away from her.

The Knowing

As I watched my mom suffer and fight desperately to live another day, I was able to be there, love and support her. I was able to ask her questions on things I needed to know. She was able to go through her things and give each of us something she wanted us to have. There was preparation and the ability to say good-bye. However, it’s hard to comprehend the misery she endured.

The Unexpected

It is a shock when someone dies unexpectedly. No notice, no warning or preparation – they are just gone. There is an entirely different set of feelings, a lot of questions and unfinished business. Not being able to express your feelings and say good-bye can cause additional pain for the ones left behind.  It can be more difficult for someone to come to terms with the sudden loss.

Losing Someone Still Alive

At some point we have experienced someone who was once in our life and now they are not. Maybe it was a friend, coworker, or family member. Someone who we still think about but are now disconnected from them. Maybe the relationship with them was toxic and we had to make a choice to let them go. Maybe they moved away, and we just miss them. Or perhaps we had a disagreement with someone, and we made a mutual decision to cut ties. Although I believe everything can be repaired in life, there are instances where the damage is so great that it seems nearly impossible to change the outcome. This loss deserves to be recognized.  The emptiness and absence can be as painful as a death.

Unfinished Business

Because none of us know how long we have in this life, we need to do what we can while we are here.  Make every single day matter. I have made it a practice to let my children, family members and friends know every time I talk to them that I love and care about them. I tell them often how much I appreciate and value them. I let them know what I hope for them for their future. Expressing my feelings will not be the unfinished business that I leave behind when my time is up.

A loss is painful because we love. There is no way around it, but there is a way through it. Dealing with loss can be lonely. Bottling up the pain can be stifling. Share your feelings with your family and friends. Seek out a support group and try to talk about your loss with others. We have all experienced grief in one way or another. Communication, camaraderie and support can ultimately help with healing, closure and moving forward.

Next week: Thoughts about forgiveness.

Am I Right, Left or Me?

I remember growing up hearing that there are three (3) topics you should never talk about in a group setting:

  • Politics
  • Religion
  • Taxes

These taboo topics have broadened into more subsets of topics, more than I care to list. For the younger generations (that may not have heard this list before), this advice is shared to help us avoid public disagreements or arguments in a social setting. I am guessing that those who shared this valuable insight are those that brought up these subjects in social settings and lived to tell the tale.

I don’t believe you can Google search what is now a lengthy list of topics to avoid in conversation (but then again, maybe you can, Google has everything). One of the ways to test the waters to find out for sure is; dare to share your opinion on anything and see what happens. By reason of witnessing debates in the media, we already have an idea of what will cause a lot of problems and heartache. These are topics that people are passionate about and they stir up a lot of emotion. Since many of us don’t want to add more friction to the already angry world, we avoid bringing them up altogether. Or at least we try to. The key is to know your audience.

Some comments can be so small and innocent, and yet others examine them in such a way that it changes everything. The entire comment is blown out of proportion and made to be much larger than what we ever intended or imagined it to be.


Making a Mountain Out of a Molehill

We’ve heard the term. Is this what we are doing now with everything? There doesn’t seem to be a stopping point, and it feels like we are just spiraling out of control. Most anything communicated is now looked at through a microscope and dissected.

Have we forgotten about:

  • Thoughtful debates
  • Benefit of the doubt
  • Agreeing to disagree
  • Grace
  • Forgiveness

Examples that hopefully won’t draw too much anger… but these are things that many of us have experienced or seen.

Example 1:

I am in a few Facebook gaming groups and I have noticed that sometimes a member will refer to a character as a “he” or a  “she”. Honestly, there are some characters that are animals, and you can’t really tell what they are. I have seen backlash over a member using the word “he” or “she” when asking a game question. I have seen other members angrily attack them by saying that they should be using a non-binary word as a gender description. To me, this seems like something so small and irrelevant to argue about. But yet, it ensues. It is literally crazy how others jump in on a post and begin to attack and harass a person that is only asking a simple question to help them further their game. No ill will intended. Why are we all so angry?

Example 2:

I am part of a private group of ladies who have made the decision to grow out their natural gray hair. If someone chooses to share a picture and uses a filter, some in the group will get angry with them and lash out in comments. Rather than give loving supportive words, they will focus on the filter and express their anger. Why do we care if someone uses a filter if it makes them feel prettier or less insecure? Why are we so judgmental? This is something that is not exclusive to just this group. I have seen anger over filtered pictures on several social media outlets. Why do we care so deeply on something so small that has no effect on us personally?

I feel we must be so careful with what we say, how we say it, what we do and whom we might offend. Many of us are either walking on eggshells in order not to broach a subject that might cause controversy, or we just stuff a sock in our mouth and sit quiet.

Why are so many afraid to speak now?

What has caused such divisiveness?

Has the world really gone this cold?

Do we have to walk an exceptionally fine line now in order not to offend anyone?

Even when our intention is not to offend, we offend. In writing this post, it might cause someone to be offended. The purpose of my blog is to express my thoughts, my experiences, and my concerns. This is MY voice, and it’s not intended to cause harm, but to create thoughtful consideration.

We have changed so much as a society that we cannot even openly speak about a lot of things without inflaming or enraging others. I hope we can find our way back to a more civilized way of communicating with each other. It is obvious to me that even with all our advancements over the last 50-100 years, we still have a lot of work to do.


What does the name of this post, Right, Left or Me have to do with any of this?

Social Media has blown up the world of communication. It has created a convenient veil of anonymity to those who take license to provoke others. People lash-out in this world in such a way that they would never do so face-to-face. It has become a divisive world of labels and categories. Many people identify half of the population that doesn’t suit them with labels and terms like:

  • The Dems
  • The Right
  • The Left
  • The Blue
  • The Red
  • The Trumpers
  • The Never Trumpers
  • The Liberals
  • The Conservatives
  • Socialist
  • Communists
  • Radicals

While this is going on, about 80-90% of the population is wondering why. This is my estimate so don’t quote me as I can’t give you statistical data to something that is just a rational number I pulled out of my thoughts. I do however believe that more people justify to the center – much more so than others may think.

Definition of Ruler:

1. Straight strip marked at regular intervals to draw straight lines or measure distance between items.

2. One that rules. To be in control of or dominion over an area or people.

Ruler – A way to measure

We are ALL somewhere on the ruler. Out of the entire U.S. population we have a small percentage that will reside on either end. The MAJORITY on the ruler (which is where the BULK is) is in the middle area. Many are remarkably similar but may lean a little more one way or the other.

If most of us are in the middle or lean just a little to the left or right, what is fueling so much anger and hostility? Why are we putting half the population all the way to the left or right as if they are our enemy? We are all on this ruler together – trying to make a life for our families and ourselves. We all want to feel safe, and we want our children to have a future where they can prosper. Right?

Just as Rodney King said back on May 1, 1992, “People, I just want to say, can’t we all get along? Can’t we all get along?

This came from a man who was severely beaten by 4 Simi Valley police officers. These officers on trial were acquitted, which caused anger and outrage from the public. Why is his quote so popular? Why do most of us know who said this without having to look it up? Because the person who had the right to be most outraged, Rodney King, stepped forward and wanted to calm the people. That is what he wanted most. Such an unselfish act. What Rodney King wanted back in 1992 is what many of us are calling for in 2022. 30 years later and many ask, “Can’t we all just get along?”

When I looked up the definition for ruler, I realized it of course it has two meanings. The ruler I spoke about above is about us. How we are all scattered along this ruler of life. We are unique, and have our own desires, hopes and dreams. We have different opinions, and they are formed in part by how we were raised, what we have been through, what we have learned and what our hope is for the future.

Ruler – People we put in power to watch over and advocate for us (…at least for the U.S.A.)

Are the individuals we placed in powerful positions to govern us doing what is best for the majority of the population? Or are they bickering back and forth just for political posturing? Are they creating or fueling divisiveness? Can’t they see that taking sides on opposite ends of the ruler is ignoring the masses in the middle?

This is what we hired them to do for us:

The Preamble

We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

We need to fix this. I don’t know how, and I wish I had a solution. We need to get things back on track before it is too late. My hope is that something brings us all back together again. At least back to a normal level of civility. The anger, rage and fear is felt on all sides. Left, right or middle, we are all feeling it.

Most all of us are tired and just want our country back. The version where labels and terms don’t define us and divide even our families and friends. What we know it can be if we can dial it back and all work together.


Right, Left or Me – Let’s talk about Me

I consider myself an independent. I am not left or right. I am more in the middle. I do not appreciate when someone refers to me in a specific group because I don’t fall into a particular category.

My last post was about my personal experience concerning an unexpected pregnancy back in 1997. I wrote about the thought process I experienced on what I should do, and what would be best for my family and me. It was not an easy decision. I chose to keep my pregnancy and my child is now 24. The comments on my post were both of support and anger. In reading some of the comments – I wondered if whether they actually read my post at all and formulated their opinion based only on the post title. Don’t get me wrong; I feel everyone has a right to his or her beliefs, as that is what we can take ownership of. However I was taken aback by some of the hateful backlash about my post, as well as what was directed towards others in the comment section. The back-and-forth was so heated that I literally got a message from Facebook! There are subjects out there where I can understand both sides. I don’t necessarily want to take one side or the other. But on the subject of abortion I believe I had a very thoughtful personal experience to convey. My own circumstances and experience with this very personal and consequential decision was effectively MY choice – no one else’s.  I did not have the federal government, state government – or anyone else for that matter in my business and controlling my body or my decision.  I had complete body autonomy, and I don’t believe anyone would want to give up that right – right?  What makes sense to one person does not make sense to another. By the one hundred or so comments on my post – this was painfully apparent.

It would be interesting to fully examine what people regard is freedom.  After all, freedom is what our country was founded on.  However I wonder how many of us truly feel free with what fuels the divisiveness in this country.  The Media and Social Media are both a blessing and a curse. The ability to tear people down has become a norm. We may have freedom of speech – but at what cost? How did we get to a point where words don’t matter? I may get backlash on even saying this but at a certain point, you just have to say what you need to say and let the chips fall where they may. Haha, maybe that “certain point” is also part of the problem!

Ultimately my hope and prayer is that the masses in the middle will be recognized for the majority that they are. Dial it back to a place of basic civility and respect for people that just want to live their own beautiful and unique lives.

Let’s do this!

Roe vs. Wade – A “Miscarriage” of Justice

We all need to speak up – more now than ever. I am sharing my individual experiences and views on abortion because I have a voice. I also have some questions and thoughts about this very controversial subject. The thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while, so I need to let them out. The ruling of Roe vs. Wade is no more. The “Supreme” Court has changed a decision that they themselves made almost 50 years ago. The fundamental rights that women have over their own bodies.

Miscarriage Defined:

  1. The ejection of a fetus from the womb before it can survive on its own.
  2. An unsuccessful outcome of something planned.

When we eat an egg are we eating a chicken? …Just a random thought.


My Miscarriage – 1987

I was married at the time, and pregnant with our second child. I was in the first trimester when I began to bleed. I went to my doctor; she confirmed my pregnancy and told me I was bleeding a lot. I remember feeling so sad and scared, and asked her if I was losing the pregnancy. I remember her telling me, “You have a 50-50 chance of keeping it. Just go home and lay down.”

As soon as I got home, I went in the bathroom and sat on the toilet. When I got up, I remember seeing so much blood in the toilet and I noticed something that resembled a small red sack. I just stared at it and knew I lost the embryo. I remember feeling sadness and heartache. It felt like a real loss to me. My husband didn’t seem to be bothered much about the loss and went over to his friend’s house for the day. My mom was with me as I moped around the apartment and had to take in the fact that I miscarried.

What happened to me is called a spontaneous abortion. The reason we use the word miscarriage is because it sounds nicer than using the word abortion. What my doctor told me is that a spontaneous abortion occurs when the body rejects the embryo because something might be wrong with it.

I got pregnant with my son 3 months later.


My Decision to Keep or Abort – 1997

I had been divorced for 5 years and had not dated anyone. I was a single working mom with two children. On this one night (ironically it was the same night I joined “parents without partners” because my mom had encouraged me to do so), I went to a club to have a drink. I saw a friend I had known for over a year and we began to talk. The talking turned into something else that neither of us planned. Because neither of us planned it, we did not use protection and I got pregnant. Yep. The first time in 5 years that I had sex, I got pregnant. It does happen.

I knew immediately on day 24 that I was pregnant because I was on a 22-day cycle. I had a pregnancy test done and it came back positive. At first, I was happy because I love my two children and would have loved to have another child. But then reality sunk in. I worked hard but I never made much of a salary. I only made $13 an hour as an administrative assistant. It wasn’t because I was lazy as many people tend to think “low-income people” could “do better”. I am just one of those people that never climbed high on the ladder to get better pay. I usually stayed with a job because I had responsibilities to pay rent each month and take care of the kids and myself. There was no time to switch jobs for more money, and honestly, I was too scared to. For me, I was doing the best that I could, and believe me – I was no stranger to work. I have worked since the age of 15. I paid for all of my own expenses as a teenager such as yearbooks, dance dresses, clothes, summer camps, outings, etc.

So, now here I was a single parent of two, and pregnant. I knew I needed to decide on what I was going to do, and I needed to be quick. I never liked the idea that some individuals put off their decision to abort until the second trimester. The thought of that sickened me. I am not talking about medical reasons, I am talking about the ones that wait and wait and wait for no other reason other than they just cannot decide. That was not going to be me.

I was sitting on the fence. I would love to have a third child, but could I afford to have another child on my own? It was already tough for me with two. I was not in love with the father and therefore we would not be together. I would have to raise this child on my own.

My thoughts went back and forth, from one side to the other. I knew that:

  1. I will have to go before God one day with my actions.
  2. I am judge and jury if this child lives or dies.

I also knew that:

  1. I am a single parent with two children, barely making it.
  2. Would we be able to survive with another child to support?
  3. Day care would be at minimum $100 a week.
  4. There was the expense of diapers, formula, a crib. car seat, clothes, medical, and the list goes on.
  5. What would people think of me? The single mom who got pregnant and didn’t even have a boyfriend?
  6. What would my family think of me being so irresponsible?

Back and forth I went. I finally called my doctor and asked him to put in a referral for me to go to a specialist for an abortion. I figured that would be the best choice. I didn’t want to do it, but I was trying to be practical.

In the end, I decided to keep the pregnancy and called the doctor and asked him to cancel the referral.

Her name is Michaela, and she is now 24 years old.


Looking Back:

Even though I made the decision to keep the pregnancy, it was an awfully hard road for all of us. We had a lot of bumps, and I did crumble and fall from the pressure. The rent went up, my ex-husband stopped paying child support and I had to take a second job, working 7 days a week for 3 ½ years. I never had a day off and whittled myself down to exhaustion. I lost my jobs, our home, and even my children for a while. It was bad. Thankfully by the grace of God I got back up and worked hard to gain everything back. It took a few years, no easy task when you lose everything.

What I learned through the process is that life can be extremely hard. I also learned that people should not judge others because they have no idea what a person may be dealing with or going through.

When I look back, my decision could have gone either way. It was my decision to make and mine alone. I do believe in God and my belief was and still is that I will have to go before God one day with ALL my actions in life. Not just that decision but ALL my decisions. Things I have said and things that I have done throughout my entire life. But my God is a loving God, and he knows my heart and my struggles. His relationship with me has nothing to do with anyone else. Not the Supreme Court, not the State Government, and not anyone on this planet. My decisions are mine and no one should have the right to take them away from me.


A Few Questions I Have:

  • What about a fetus that has died inside the mother before the due date? What if her body does not expel the dead fetus?
  • What about frozen embryos? If they are considered “life”, is it okay if they remain frozen? Can they be thrown away if not used?
  • How about the 12-year-old girl who is being sexually molested and repeatedly raped by a parent or relative and ends up pregnant? Hasn’t she already experienced enough trauma? Is she going to be made to carry a fetus that is a product of rape and incest to full term? Does this 12-year-old child now have to make the decision to keep this baby or give it away to someone else? Does that seem fair to anyone? What consideration is being made for a child that is a product of incest? The potential problems they may have from being inbreed and the assortment of genetic disorders that would continue through future generations?
  • What if at 20 weeks it is determined that a fetus will be born severely handicapped? What is the right choice for the parent and the fetus? To bring a child into this world anyway? If they survive, they may have serious medical issues with serious financial repercussions. How will the parents be supported that may not be able to take care of the child medically or financially?
  • What if a pregnancy is an ectopic? If the fertilized egg is left to grow outside the uterus and it’s not aborted – it could damage the woman’s organs and be life threatening.
  • What if someone doesn’t believe that aborting an embryo is taking a life? Do they have to believe in what others determine is when life begins? What if a person doesn’t believe in God? Should people who do believe in God determine their rights?

Thoughts on The Supreme Court:

  • The Supreme Court has 9 justices and 6 of them are men and only 3 are women. 6 men that have never been pregnant or have ever had to make a decision about a pregnancy in their own body.

Nine (9) Justices:

< 3 appointed by Donald Trump

< 2 appointed by George W Bush

< 1 appointed by George H.W. Bush

< 2 appointed by Barack Obama

< 1 appointed by Bill Clinton

6 of the 9 justices were appointed by Republican Presidents and 3 were appointed by Democratic Presidents. Does that seem like a balanced representation of the people in this country?

  • The Supreme Court justices are supposed to be unbiased and yet they appear to be loyal to the political party that was responsible for their appointment. Impartial but yet they seem to stick with their party when they make decisions. It feels a lot like how the House and Senate votes along Democratic or Republican party lines with very few crossing over. Why? Are Senators not representatives for their entire state? Shouldn’t all members of the Senate be taking care of all constituents they are representing? Democrat, Republican, and Independent views? Is it not possible that they can come together and compromise with what works for the masses and not just their own party? The Supreme justices should be unbiased since they are the “Supreme” Court, right?
  • The 3 justices that are women are well beyond childbearing age. Can they honestly give a fair and impartial decision on something that does not affect them personally anymore?

As I stated before, I believe in God, but I understand that not everyone does. I am okay with that. It’s not my purpose to judge others. My faith helps me navigate MY life. My God is a loving God who understands each of us intimately. I believe that he knows each of our struggles here on earth. When our time comes, one by one he will go over our life with us. I believe he will wipe us clean and make us whole again. I have a feeling he will take us all with him.


Thoughts of Biblical Reference:

  • Matthew 7:1-3 tells us to judge not, lest ye be judged. It also mentions about seeing a speck in someone’s eye and not noticing the plank in our own. So, would that mean that we mind our own business and leave others to themselves? That we need to keep our side of the street clean and if we do believe there is a God, he will manage each person as that is NOT our job but his? For many, we know we are not to judge, but we still do. What does the word judge mean to you personally?

Definition of Judge:

nouna public official appointed to decide cases in a court of law.

verb to form, give, or have as an opinion about (something or someone).

  • John 8:7 states that those that are without sin, cast the first stone. None of us are without sin, so why are we jumping in on how others should look at things and live life the way we think they should? What if our way of thinking is wrong? Should we be telling people how to think when we continue to learn every day and change our thoughts often when gaining insight from others? At least that is what I’ve learned about people who grow and evolve.

What I Have Learned:

By going through the experience of an unexpected pregnancy, I am empathetic to those that have found themselves in the same position that I was in. They may be wrestling within their own being as to what is the right thing to do. For anyone who thinks it is an easy decision to have an abortion it is not. This is a time when a woman is in her most vulnerable state. I believe that she alone must make a decision that will not just affect her life but the lives of her family.

I already know what I know, tell me something I don’t know. This is what we should remind ourselves. To listen to others and learn. We’re on our own path of life and many of us have taken side routes and gotten lost but somehow, we manage to get on the main road again if we’re lucky. We should all try to be more understanding and empathetic. We should all remind ourselves not to judge others. We certainly don’t like it when someone wants to judge us, right?