Forgiveness – Part Two of the Story…

Letting Go

Forgiveness is the ability to let go of a burden someone has put on your soul.  The feeling of anger and resentment can eat you up inside. It is a lot to carry indefinitely until you decide not to carry it anymore.

Forgive: (verb) To stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone.

Forgiveness: (noun) The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

To forgive someone does not mean you necessarily have to forget.  Forgiving allows you to free yourself from the brokenness you feel and allows you to move forward.  Whether you decide to move forward with or without that person (you have forgiven) is entirely up to you. It depends on:

  • Is it healthy to do so?
  • Do they recognize what they have done?
  • Is there a risk they will continue to hurt you?

In my lifetime I have had to deal with both sides of forgiveness.  I have had to come to terms with forgiving transgressions and violations that almost ended me.  I have also had to ask for forgiveness from the people I love and who counted on me.  Both sides of forgiveness are humbling.

From last week’s post on “Loss”, I mentioned that I had thoughts that perhaps God took my mom when she was only 60 so that I could fully fail -so that I could grow. I will dive into that story first and explain how I came to that conclusion.

Mom and Me

I believe that Mother/Daughter relationships are complicated.  Ideally, who wouldn’t want a mother who is not only a close friend, but also a trusted advisor and confidant?  Sadly, this was not the relationship that I had with my mom. Mom lost custody of me to my father when I was only eleven. Because of this, she lost valuable time with me during my adolescent years. When I became an adult, she and I were free to have the relationship we wanted without having to deal with my father. However, that relationship never developed into a positive one for either one of us. I often wonder if those lost years contributed to the critical and hurtful things, she continually said to me. She had advice and opinions on everything. She played head games and laid guilt trips on me to try to get me to do what she wanted me to do. It was suffocating. I hated the way she treated me, and I just wanted to be free.

Standing up to mom I thought I was being strong but that wasn’t true. It was just an unhealthy reaction to the way I was being treated by her. By engaging, all it did was escalate the situation. As time went on, I began to snap back at her even before she said something hurtful. She could literally say just about anything, and I would snap at her. I instinctively knew where she was going with her questions even before she got to the place to harm me verbally. When looking back at how I behaved, I know now that I could have done better.

A Toxic Relationship

Mom was my best friend and my worst enemy. I wanted to get to know her and spend time with her, but her behavior and my reaction to it became a vicious cycle. No matter if we went to play bingo, watched television, shared a meal, or did crafts together, there wasn’t a day that went by where we didn’t argue. We would quickly make up as if that was a normal part of our relationship. Then we would do it all again the very next day. This repetitive cycle went on for over 20 years. The problem was that many of these arguments included her attacking me with cruel and snide remarks.  The words she said to me were not what you would describe as normal criticism. They were well crafted damaging insults that still play in my mind like “sound bites.”

The relationship with my mom alone could fill the pages of a book. There is just too many memories and a lot of painful experiences. Here is my horrible truth—- After mom died, I felt relief! I was free for the first time in my life to make my own decisions and not hear her voice telling me what I should and should not be doing. I felt like a kid in the candy store with the whole world in front of me. Freedom for the first time in my life at the age of thirty-nine. I could make my own decisions without her judgment. Maybe it was too much freedom, and it came too fast for me.

God Took Mom So I Could Grow?

I fell apart after she died and made a lot of mistakes. But by making those mistakes I was able to find myself. That is the biggest gift I could have gotten in life. It’s hard to explain how falling to the bottom of a pit could be the ultimate gift, but it was for me. When you get to the bottom there’s only one way to go, and that’s up. I never wanted anyone to help me my entire life because I trusted no one and thought I could take care of myself. When I was at my bottom, I finally came to the realization I couldn’t help myself. And at the very moment I realized I could not do it on my own, I felt this release from within my spirit that allowed me to let others come in, pick me up and get me started on a new path.

Forgiving Mom

Of the many individuals that I have been able to forgive, mom is one of them. I came to understand how complicated our family dynamic was. How someone’s childhood experiences can shape how they deal with relationships. In retrospect I feel that mom had her own demons from her past as well as mental health issues. I’m not excusing her behavior but rather considering the explanation that she didn’t know how to communicate with me in a healthier way. Quite honestly, I didn’t know how to communicate better with her either. When working on forgiveness, I considered her childhood, her personality, her mental illness as well as my own circumstances. I was suppressing my own childhood trauma and I’m sure that was a contributing factor in how I related to her. All things considered; I was able get to the place I needed to get in order to forgive her.

Apologizing

When I think about forgiveness, I wish I could have apologized to my mom for my behavior when she was alive. I had a role in our relationship, and I take responsibility for my actions. I know that I was angry with her and angry in general. Maybe the anger stemmed from her losing custody of me and how I ended up with my father. How my life could have been different if that didn’t happen. I have expressed my sorrow to her since her death, and I believe she knows my heart and understands. I feel at peace with her, and I think mom and I are fine now.

Unloading Baggage

When dad took over custody, he abused me verbally, sexually, physically, and spiritually. When I became an adult and was able to escape that torturous environment and live on my own, I had no idea who I was.

I thought I knew. But now that I am older and can reflect on my life, I realize I always thought I knew a lot, until I knew more. When I left home, I thought I was free, but had no idea what freedom was. I had not even touched the surface on what freedom really meant for my spirit.  Back then I was oblivious to the lasting effects of child abuse. I thought the abuses that I suffered were something I could just put in a room in the back of my mind and close the door. There is a term for this.  It is to compartmentalize. This is all well and good until it resurfaces, rears its ugly head and trashes your life. The term for this is Complex-PTSD.

After mom died, I hit my rock bottom and went into recovery, I remember feeling this openness and a willingness to learn. Something I didn’t feel before. I already knew I had messed up so badly in life and I wanted to try something different. I wanted to change and was open and teachable. I found that there is no running from the past and I had to deal with things head on whenever my mind decided to throw something at me to work on.

I dealt with what occurred in my childhood by slowly peeling away layers of me, like an onion. Each layer allowed me to grow more, and I was able to discover a little more about who I was. Each layer allowed me to come to terms with my past. It helped me in the way I perceived myself, others, and the world around me.

I had people around me that cared enough to walk me into a whole new life. During my recovery I learned that in order to truly move forward I had to unload baggage – to forgive as well as to ask for forgiveness. I took responsibility for my actions during my addiction and reached out to those who I believe I needed to apologize to. It was my pursuit of freedom.

In the spirit of becoming the best version of myself, I still try to stay open and teachable so I can continue to grow. It takes a conscious effort to stay in the mindset that you are always a work in progress.

How to Forgive the Unforgivable?

Child abuse comes in different forms. I will share a part of my story where it concerns sexual abuse at the hands of my biological father.

My father began molesting me when I was six years old. By the time I was twelve he took my innocence. That is the polite way of saying he took my virginity. By the age of fifteen I had grown tired of this never-ending repetitive abuse and because I was older, stronger, and more aware of how wrong this abuse was I got brave.  I will never forget the night that my father came to my room and tried to touch me. Like every other time, it was late, where everyone in the house was asleep, including me. I woke up hearing his breathing and knew he was in my room. When he pulled the covers back and began to touch me, I yelled “No” really loud! It scared him. He was so afraid my stepmother could have heard me that he quickly exited my room. That is how I got him to stop. I continued to do this because it worked, and he eventually stopped coming to me at night.

In trying to find a way to forgive this unforgivable crime I had to dig deep. How did I come to terms of forgiving something so heinous and unforgivable? One thing that I want to make clear is that my father did acknowledge, recognize, admit, and take responsibility for what he did to me years later when I confronted him. This made the road to forgiveness a little easier for me.

All my life I had split my father into two. There was the father who was funny, smart, interesting, and charismatic and the father who was the child molester. I liked one father but hated the other. If I had to let the father I hated go, I had to let both go. Easier said than done apparently. Ending ties was a really hard thing for me to do. My father died in 2008 and I was finally free of him. There were no longer two individuals in this horrible, humiliating story.

The forgiveness wasn’t for him. It was for me. Did I want to continue to carry the resentment, pain and heartache of these memories on my back for my remaining years? No. I reflected on my father’s upbringing to try to gain some understanding. I also thought; what kind of person could do such heinous acts like this on a child? Only a very mentally sick individual. To consider he had a mentally sick mind, I found an avenue where I could process my forgiveness.

An Insult to Injury

When I met my ex-husband, I was twenty-one and he was nineteen. We had a whirlwind romance and I married him six months later. We had two children together. By our 7th year of marriage I was very unhappy. I had grown and matured, but he didn’t seem to as well. Maybe we just grew apart. I’m not sure of all the reasons, but I left him. After our divorce he was sending me $600 a month in child support. I had full custody and I worked to make ends meet. My ex-husband decided to leave the state. The child support continued for several years but when he got out of the military and found a new partner, the payments stopped. When this happened in 1999 – it happened suddenly, and I was left holding the bag. He changed his address, phone number, and essentially abandoned his children and hid. I had to figure out how to pay the rent and support the kids on my own. I took a second job; working 7 days a week and I did this for over three years. This pressure obviously contributed to my downfall. I opened a case with Children’s Services when he stopped paying child support so that they could try to locate him. What he was doing was against the law, and I was drowning. Children’s Services sent a “feeler” out every six months to see if he would surface but nothing ever came of it.

Knowing When to Say When

Part of my journey with forgiveness was to forgive my ex-husband and let go of his debt. Several years ago, I closed the child support case on him.  He owed me over $50,000. When I called Children’s Services to close the case the representative on the phone asked me if I was sure because once I closed it, I wouldn’t be able to reopen it. I told her I was sure. The reason I did that was twofold:

  1. I knew that I would never see that money. My ex-husband worked under the table to avoid being found.
  2. He hid out for years so that Children’s Services couldn’t find him. Part of closing this case was essentially also forgiving him for abandoning his children.

I remember feeling like I had him in jail and I was the one holding the key. I had just read something about resentments in a book called “As Bill Sees It” and thought about my ex-husband and the money he owed. I realized closing the case would be one of the biggest things I could let go of. I wanted to release him of the debt so he could be free, and more importantly I could be free of the resentment.

Freedom

Considering the fact that receiving that child support could have very well changed the trajectory of my life – what I felt after I closed the case was a huge surprise. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was unexpected, and I liked how it felt. That is when I truly realized that forgiveness is not for the other person; it is for your benefit. We’ve all heard that cliché before, but I’m here to tell you that when you experience it yourself – forgiveness is freeing.

Forgiving Myself

One of the most humbling experiences of my life is the forgiveness and grace I have received from my children. That unconditional love is not lost on me and I am so blessed and thankful. When I think about what I put my kids through when they were young, it is very painful. I was self-medicating – drinking, doing crystal meth, and going out to bars. I put them second in my life over my inability to deal with my past, my circumstances, alcoholism and addiction. I let them down in a very big way. I still have trouble forgiving myself for the isolation, pain, sadness, neglect, and anger they felt because of what I put them through. I think it’s harder to let go of the resentment we put on ourselves when we hurt someone we love. For me, it is easier to forgive others than for me to forgive myself.

Steps For Forgiveness

  • Apologize
  • Take Responsibility
  • Don’t Make Excuses
  • Don’t Be a Repeat Offender
  • Change

When asking for forgiveness, the biggest takeaway I learned is to not repeat what we have done. If we keep apologizing for the same things over and over, how can we ever be trusted? Work on changing. It takes time to change the default in our brain from the way we have always behaved, to a new behavior. If we are aware of what we are trying to change, we can make a conscious effort to not repeat old behaviors. Eventually we will have a new default and won’t have to consciously think about it anymore. We can grow and improve to get closer to the person we want to become.

Processing and Moving Forward

Forgiveness is an effort to let go and move forward. Allow yourself time to process the situation, to be angry upset and hurt. Reach out for help or therapy if you are struggling to cope with your resentment. Finally, allow yourself the ability to forgive. It does not mean you have to let an individual back into your life. It means you’re freeing yourself from the burden of resentment and giving yourself closure. Whether it is forgiving someone, asking for forgiveness or forgiving yourself; it may be what is necessary in order rid yourself of the anger or pain within and move on with less baggage and a healthier mindset.

Helpful articles:

Healthline: “How to Forgive Yourself”

Psychology Today: “How to Forgive Yourself”

Healthline: “How to Forgive Someone (Even If They Really Screwed Up)”

Psychology Today: “7 Rules of Forgiveness”

Loss and Forgiveness – A Two-Part Story

Surviving Loss

July 13th was the twenty-year anniversary of my mom’s death. Because of our tumultuous relationship, it was a very difficult loss for me. Twenty years later I still reflect on the memories before and after she died. The second part of this story will be about forgiveness. I had to find a way to forgive her because of the way she treated me while she was here. I had to also forgive myself on the way I treated her. But let’s first look at the story of loss.

Witnessing A Loss

I remember the day mom died so vividly. It was in the last moments before she passed. She began to move her shoulders up and down as she changed from lying down to an upright sitting position in her bed. It was like what you would imagine seeing if someone had wings and was about to fly.

I put my hands on her shoulders as I shouted for my brothers to help me. I remember locking eyes with mom as she stared back at me. She began gurgling up black bile as she gasped for air. Both our eyes were locked as I watched my mom die. Within a minute, she was gone. With my hands still placed on her shoulders, I gently set her down with her head resting on her pillow. I moved my hand over her eyes and closed her eyelids. I leaned forward and kissed her all over her face as I joyously shouted, “You did it! I am so proud of you.”  These last moments are forever engraved in my memories.

It may appear strange for someone to use a word like joyous when describing a feeling moments after a loved one has died. But I had watched her fight for a life that was an outright battle for 18 months. When the doctors discovered mom’s cancer on January 26, 2001, the cancer had metastasized and had already spread to the vascular wall. The doctors let us know at once that it was terminal and there was nothing they could do but to try to extend her life. They were clear that she had options. She could either take pain pills and enjoy what life she had left or do chemo and try to extend it. One of her doctors told her that if it were his life, he would just take pain pills. That was a horrible day.

In the final weeks mom was in so much pain and although she tried, she could barely keep on going. Just a few days before she passed, I watched my uncle give her a spoonful of Jell-O between pills that she needed to swallow. I remember seeing a mound of pills before her. 15-20 pills sitting on that little table as she tried to choke them down. Shortly after, mom got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and I remember seeing her slowly walk as she held her urine bag in her hand. The urine bag was filled with blood. At that moment, I felt a deep down feeling of anguish hit me. I didn’t want her to go through what she was going through. I wanted her pain to end. I didn’t want her to try to fight for another day. She was no longer living and all she had to look forward to was experiencing more pain. It was extremely hard to sit by and watch this happen. I felt so helpless.

Moments after she passed I felt joyous because I was proud of her for finally letting go.

When I left her apartment, I got into my car and drove around aimlessly for several hours. I just drove. I remember feeling numb and alone in the world. I felt disconnected from reality, and everything around me was just a fuzzy dream. Other people were going about their lives like they didn’t have a problem or care in the world. I was stuck in a bad dream, and it was hard for me to move forward and yet I felt that was what I was supposed to do. Act normal and be okay when it wasn’t okay.

Losing Everything and Finding Myself

I will keep this part short because I went through a lot after mom died. It is detailed in my book, so I won’t rewrite it here. But after mom died, I was all over the place. The doctor said I had an emotional breakdown. I had begun using alcohol and crystal meth to cope during the last year of my mom’s life, and after she died I hit it harder. It seemed like it was the only thing that could make me feel better even though it took me to a very dark place. When thinking about that time, it felt like I was living in the underworld. I not only lost everything that meant anything to me, but it broke me down to a point where I just wanted to be erased from life. I didn’t have the will to live and didn’t have the strength to try. Thankfully, I did get out of this place as by proof of writing this blog and being a functioning human being again.

In the years that I lived in the underworld, I was stripped of everything so that I could be rebuilt. I didn’t know it at the time but that’s what happened. I would not recommend anyone rebuilding his or her life this way. Get counseling or find another way. There are better roads. The way I did it is one of the hardest roads to take, I doubt if many survive.

One thing I realize is if mom were alive, I doubt I would have reached rock bottom on the road I went down. She would have not allowed it. She was the one person that cared enough about me to recognize that I needed help. I honestly believe that. I sometimes wonder if God took her because he had work to do with me. God knew that if my mom were around, I wouldn’t be able to fully fail and then grow (I will expand more on that theory in next week’s post).

Coping

The loss of someone that we love has got to be one of the hardest things that we will ever go through in life. Death is so final. I thought about how I would never see or hear my loved one’s voice again. They are gone forever.

There is this strange conflicting sensation I get when thinking about mom. It is two-fold.

1. The Memories

With all the memories I have of mom, her essence is still with me. All the moments we had together are like individual video clips in my mind where I can pull out a moment and play it whenever I want. I can choose a memory and there she is. I can see her and hear her voice. I can feel the love and it feels like she is not far away.

2. The Hole

Although I have all those memories that I can tap into whenever I think about her, I also feel a hole, an emptiness. It’s an absence like a vacant seat in a classroom full of kids or the missing piece of a puzzle. It is obvious that something is missing, it is noticed and it is felt.

Is this feeling in my heart or in my mind? We always talk about our heart when reflecting on our love for one another. We put our hand on our heart and we even draw pictures of hearts to illustrate feelings of love. We may think our love is in our heart, but our memories are being housed in our mind. But I wonder if loss is felt in neither the heart nor the mind, but in our soul. Maybe that is why it is felt so deep. That is why there isn’t anyone that can remedy this feeling except the one we lost. The shape of the hole is uniquely designed for our loved one.

I believe that once we get back to where we came from, we will see our loved ones again. They will fill that empty space in our soul that remains for only them to fill.

Types of Loss

I shared the detailed account of the loss of my mother because I know we all share similar pain when we lose ones we love. Whether it is a family member, friend, or even a beloved pet, relationships are complex, intense and very personal, and the loss can be devastating.

Losing a Friend

Losing a close friend obviously hurts just like any other loss. But it can feel different. For me, I can only go off what I have experienced. I am fortunate to have only lost one friend that I was close to thus far. I knew my friend Jimmy since the 6th grade. I remember being in a state of shock when I saw through Facebook that he had died. I quickly called his number and his partner answered and he confirmed what I hoped was not true.

After getting over the shock of his unexpected death, I thought about his partner, his brother and all that loved him. My friend went so suddenly he didn’t even get to say goodbye to anyone or tell them what he may have wanted them to know. Those thoughts led me to other thoughts about my own life and mortality.

  • He is my age – it could happen to me too.
  • How long do I have left?
  • What if I have unfinished business?
  • How are my relationships right now?
  • Am I right with the people in my life to suddenly leave them?

As each of us goes about our day-to-day life we are kept busy with work, family, and activities. It sometimes isn’t until someone close to us passes that we stop and reflect on how fragile life is. We take stock of our life and what’s important to us. I wish we could try to remember to do this more often, not just when tragedy strikes and wakes us up.

Losing a Pet

Losing a pet that has been family for many years is a unique kind of pain. Pets are not only family, they are a companion and a friend. Most people can relate to the memory of a family pet and how it felt when they had to let them go. My daughter Courtney’s dog she named Danger was far from being dangerous, and he was the sweetest Labrador you could ever meet. Courtney got him as a tiny little puppy and had him for almost 11 years. We were thankful that we had that much time with him and experienced such unconditional love. I remember the last few months of his life; Courtney was running him to the pet hospital and spending money on x-rays, labs, and medications, all in the hopes that the doctors could save him. In the end, there was nothing they could do. Danger had a very large tumor in his nasal passage that went all the way to his brain.

The decision was made to allow Danger to go peacefully with the doctor’s help as he was in a lot of pain and was bleeding from his nose. We were all there, surrounding Danger as my daughter held him tenderly. Besides the loss of mom, this was an extremely hard loss to witness. As I reflect on Danger and the love I had for him, all I can say is what I’ve always said about him. Best Dog Ever.

Which is Worse?

Whether we know death is coming or it happens unexpectedly we must deal with pain in the aftermath regardless. When my mom was fighting for her life for 18 months, I remember going into work and a coworker lost her mom unexpectedly. My mom was dying slowly; her mom’s life was ripped away from her.

The Knowing

As I watched my mom suffer and fight desperately to live another day, I was able to be there, love and support her. I was able to ask her questions on things I needed to know. She was able to go through her things and give each of us something she wanted us to have. There was preparation and the ability to say good-bye. However, it’s hard to comprehend the misery she endured.

The Unexpected

It is a shock when someone dies unexpectedly. No notice, no warning or preparation – they are just gone. There is an entirely different set of feelings, a lot of questions and unfinished business. Not being able to express your feelings and say good-bye can cause additional pain for the ones left behind.  It can be more difficult for someone to come to terms with the sudden loss.

Losing Someone Still Alive

At some point we have experienced someone who was once in our life and now they are not. Maybe it was a friend, coworker, or family member. Someone who we still think about but are now disconnected from them. Maybe the relationship with them was toxic and we had to make a choice to let them go. Maybe they moved away, and we just miss them. Or perhaps we had a disagreement with someone, and we made a mutual decision to cut ties. Although I believe everything can be repaired in life, there are instances where the damage is so great that it seems nearly impossible to change the outcome. This loss deserves to be recognized.  The emptiness and absence can be as painful as a death.

Unfinished Business

Because none of us know how long we have in this life, we need to do what we can while we are here.  Make every single day matter. I have made it a practice to let my children, family members and friends know every time I talk to them that I love and care about them. I tell them often how much I appreciate and value them. I let them know what I hope for them for their future. Expressing my feelings will not be the unfinished business that I leave behind when my time is up.

A loss is painful because we love. There is no way around it, but there is a way through it. Dealing with loss can be lonely. Bottling up the pain can be stifling. Share your feelings with your family and friends. Seek out a support group and try to talk about your loss with others. We have all experienced grief in one way or another. Communication, camaraderie and support can ultimately help with healing, closure and moving forward.

Griefshare.org is a national organization that offers many resources such as seminars and support groups to help you recover from your loss and look forward to rebuilding your life.

SAMHSA is the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services site offering resources and help to those in crisis.

Next week: Thoughts about forgiveness.

Am I Right, Left or Me?

I remember growing up hearing that there are three (3) topics you should never talk about in a group setting:

  • Politics
  • Religion
  • Taxes

These taboo topics have broadened into more subsets of topics, more than I care to list. For the younger generations (that may not have heard this list before), this advice is shared to help us avoid public disagreements or arguments in a social setting. I am guessing that those who shared this valuable insight are those that brought up these subjects in social settings and lived to tell the tale.

I don’t believe you can Google search what is now a lengthy list of topics to avoid in conversation (but then again, maybe you can, Google has everything). One of the ways to test the waters to find out for sure is; dare to share your opinion on anything and see what happens. By reason of witnessing debates in the media, we already have an idea of what will cause a lot of problems and heartache. These are topics that people are passionate about and they stir up a lot of emotion. Since many of us don’t want to add more friction to the already angry world, we avoid bringing them up altogether. Or at least we try to. The key is to know your audience.

Some comments can be so small and innocent, and yet others examine them in such a way that it changes everything. The entire comment is blown out of proportion and made to be much larger than what we ever intended or imagined it to be.

Making a Mountain Out of a Molehill

We’ve heard the term. Is this what we are doing now with everything? There doesn’t seem to be a stopping point, and it feels like we are just spiraling out of control. Most anything communicated is now looked at through a microscope and dissected.

Have we forgotten about:

  • Thoughtful debates
  • Benefit of the doubt
  • Agreeing to disagree
  • Grace
  • Forgiveness

Examples that hopefully won’t draw too much anger… but these are things that many of us have experienced or seen.

Example 1:

I am in a few Facebook gaming groups and I have noticed that sometimes a member will refer to a character as a “he” or a  “she”. Honestly, there are some characters that are animals, and you can’t really tell what they are. I have seen backlash over a member using the word “he” or “she” when asking a game question. I have seen other members angrily attack them by saying that they should be using a non-binary word as a gender description. To me, this seems like something so small and irrelevant to argue about. But yet, it ensues. It is literally crazy how others jump in on a post and begin to attack and harass a person that is only asking a simple question to help them further their game. No ill will intended. Why are we all so angry?

Example 2:

I am part of a private group of ladies who have made the decision to grow out their natural gray hair. If someone chooses to share a picture and uses a filter, some in the group will get angry with them and lash out in comments. Rather than give loving supportive words, they will focus on the filter and express their anger. Why do we care if someone uses a filter if it makes them feel prettier or less insecure? Why are we so judgmental? This is something that is not exclusive to just this group. I have seen anger over filtered pictures on several social media outlets. Why do we care so deeply on something so small that has no effect on us personally?

I feel we must be so careful with what we say, how we say it, what we do and whom we might offend. Many of us are either walking on eggshells in order not to broach a subject that might cause controversy, or we just stuff a sock in our mouth and sit quiet.

Why are so many afraid to speak now?

What has caused such divisiveness?

Has the world really gone this cold?

Do we have to walk an exceptionally fine line now in order not to offend anyone?

Even when our intention is not to offend, we offend. In writing this post, it might cause someone to be offended. The purpose of my blog is to express my thoughts, my experiences, and my concerns. This is MY voice, and it’s not intended to cause harm, but to create thoughtful consideration.

We have changed so much as a society that we cannot even openly speak about a lot of things without inflaming or enraging others. I hope we can find our way back to a more civilized way of communicating with each other. It is obvious to me that even with all our advancements over the last 50-100 years, we still have a lot of work to do.

What does the name of this post, Right, Left or Me have to do with any of this?

Social Media has blown up the world of communication. It has created a convenient veil of anonymity to those who take license to provoke others. People lash-out in this world in such a way that they would never do so face-to-face. It has become a divisive world of labels and categories. Many people identify half of the population that doesn’t suit them with labels and terms like:

  • The Dems
  • The Right
  • The Left
  • The Blue
  • The Red
  • The Trumpers
  • The Never Trumpers
  • The Liberals
  • The Conservatives
  • Socialist
  • Communists
  • Radicals

While this is going on, about 80-90% of the population is wondering why. This is my estimate so don’t quote me as I can’t give you statistical data to something that is just a rational number I pulled out of my thoughts. I do however believe that more people justify to the center – much more so than others may think.

Definition of Ruler:

1. Straight strip marked at regular intervals to draw straight lines or measure distance between items.

2. One that rules. To be in control of or dominion over an area or people.

Ruler – A way to measure

We are ALL somewhere on the ruler. Out of the entire U.S. population we have a small percentage that will reside on either end. The MAJORITY on the ruler (which is where the BULK is) is in the middle area. Many are remarkably similar but may lean a little more one way or the other.

If most of us are in the middle or lean just a little to the left or right, what is fueling so much anger and hostility? Why are we putting half the population all the way to the left or right as if they are our enemy? We are all on this ruler together – trying to make a life for our families and ourselves. We all want to feel safe, and we want our children to have a future where they can prosper. Right?

Just as Rodney King said back on May 1, 1992, “People, I just want to say, can’t we all get along? Can’t we all get along?

This came from a man who was severely beaten by 4 Simi Valley police officers. These officers on trial were acquitted, which caused anger and outrage from the public. Why is his quote so popular? Why do most of us know who said this without having to look it up? Because the person who had the right to be most outraged, Rodney King, stepped forward and wanted to calm the people. That is what he wanted most. Such an unselfish act. What Rodney King wanted back in 1992 is what many of us are calling for in 2022. 30 years later and many ask, “Can’t we all just get along?”

When I looked up the definition for ruler, I realized it of course it has two meanings. The ruler I spoke about above is about us. How we are all scattered along this ruler of life. We are unique, and have our own desires, hopes and dreams. We have different opinions, and they are formed in part by how we were raised, what we have been through, what we have learned and what our hope is for the future.

Ruler – People we put in power to watch over and advocate for us (…at least for the U.S.A.)

Are the individuals we placed in powerful positions to govern us doing what is best for the majority of the population? Or are they bickering back and forth just for political posturing? Are they creating or fueling divisiveness? Can’t they see that taking sides on opposite ends of the ruler is ignoring the masses in the middle?

This is what we hired them to do for us:

The Preamble

We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

We need to fix this. I don’t know how, and I wish I had a solution. We need to get things back on track before it is too late. My hope is that something brings us all back together again. At least back to a normal level of civility. The anger, rage and fear is felt on all sides. Left, right or middle, we are all feeling it.

Most all of us are tired and just want our country back. The version where labels and terms don’t define us and divide even our families and friends. What we know it can be if we can dial it back and all work together.

Right, Left or Me – Let’s talk about Me

I consider myself an independent. I am not left or right. I am more in the middle. I do not appreciate when someone refers to me in a specific group because I don’t fall into a particular category.

My last post was about my personal experience concerning an unexpected pregnancy back in 1997. I wrote about the thought process I experienced on what I should do, and what would be best for my family and me. It was not an easy decision. I chose to keep my pregnancy and my child is now 24. The comments on my post were both of support and anger. In reading some of the comments – I wondered if whether they actually read my post at all and formulated their opinion based only on the post title. Don’t get me wrong; I feel everyone has a right to his or her beliefs, as that is what we can take ownership of. However I was taken aback by some of the hateful backlash about my post, as well as what was directed towards others in the comment section. The back-and-forth was so heated that I literally got a message from Facebook! There are subjects out there where I can understand both sides. I don’t necessarily want to take one side or the other. But on the subject of abortion I believe I had a very thoughtful personal experience to convey. My own circumstances and experience with this very personal and consequential decision was effectively MY choice – no one else’s.  I did not have the federal government, state government – or anyone else for that matter in my business and controlling my body or my decision.  I had complete body autonomy, and I don’t believe anyone would want to give up that right – right?  What makes sense to one person does not make sense to another. By the one hundred or so comments on my post – this was painfully apparent.

It would be interesting to fully examine what people regard is freedom.  After all, freedom is what our country was founded on.  However I wonder how many of us truly feel free with what fuels the divisiveness in this country.  The Media and Social Media are both a blessing and a curse. The ability to tear people down has become a norm. We may have freedom of speech – but at what cost? How did we get to a point where words don’t matter? I may get backlash on even saying this but at a certain point, you just have to say what you need to say and let the chips fall where they may. Haha, maybe that “certain point” is also part of the problem!

Ultimately my hope and prayer is that the masses in the middle will be recognized for the majority that they are. Dial it back to a place of basic civility and respect for people that just want to live their own beautiful and unique lives.

Let’s do this!